dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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