i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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