Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
