grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
