The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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