when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
