I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
