standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
