tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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