He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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