My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
