the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize