I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize