The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
