Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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