i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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