It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
