I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
