dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
