I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
