If i could tip my vagina, i would.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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