You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
