We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
