Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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