One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
