So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
