Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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