Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
