Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
