I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize