i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
then he tried to convert me to islam
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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