you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
