a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
