I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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