I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
