listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I didn't notice because vodka
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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