all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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