my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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