Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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