i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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