My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
