i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
