i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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