Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
