he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize