Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
