my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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