he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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