Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
