nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
