I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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