wrigley field is MILF paradise
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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