Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I need to stop coming to work sober
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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