My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
operation harelip BJ is a go
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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