Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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