the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize