then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
