i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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