Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
