I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
