I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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