I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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