she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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