the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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