Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please come you make the beer taste better
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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