I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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