Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
