...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
