New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
