I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
